Do people every really mend, or are our wounds always just lingering there right under the surface waiting for someone to come along and, like the rest, rip us open? I thought I had healed, one year and many drunken mistakes later I thought I healed, but here I am. Six months into someone new and a year and six months gone from you, even if it doesn’t quite feel that way right now. My wounds are being reopened as I sit here typing wondering why yet another is pushing me away like you. Not loving me the way he used to just like you did. Why another is packed and ready to depart leaving me behind to deal with a new pile of baggage alone, and to “mend” of course.
“Pay attention to the signs, it is what it looks like” is what I was told, but what about when what I’m seeing just doesn’t seem to add up. How can love turn so sour so quickly? I’m still seeing us laughing at my utter clumsiness or silently, but blissfully doing absolutely nothing. I see the adventures and I see the fights but with both of those what stands out is triumph. The desire to never give up; the desire to be able to say, “we made it.”
Sometimes, “we made it,” needs to turn into, “I made it,” but I just don’t think I can.
I have not posted anything here in a while mostly because I have not felt as if I’ve had anything to really share. I had a crazy finals week and now I’m spending my summer working. I did have two final papers that I scored high on so I’ve decided to share those.
The first was a personal essay I wrote for my “new journalism” class. It mostly details my parents divorce and how I dealt with that. The second was a story for the same class. My professor urged us to play around with different story structures in order to push us to the edge of our comfort zones. I have not shared these stories with anyone other than my professor and I originally wasn’t planning on it but as a writer that is another area I need to push myself from my comfort zone. If I don’t share the things I write then there is no way to get critiques and make improvements. With that being said please give me constructive criticism and feedback.
In recent weeks I’ve been having a very hard time with my plans for my future. It’s about that time that my college starts to hold advising appointments as students begin to plan their schedules for the next semester. For someone like me, who is so extremely passionate about my major this shouldn’t be hard, but lately I’ve just felt so defeated.
Let me repeat, I am very passionate about my major and I truly love it. I could go on for hours about the importance of communication and journalism and how exciting I find it all. I light up when I talk about it, which is why I’m feeling so hurt and discouraged right now. I do not understand how someone could look me in the eyes and just squash my dreams or tell me that my major is easy because I don’t need to take science classes and everyone knows how to communicate, or mention how any job (that I probably won’t even get) won’t pay me very much. How can you look at anyone as they talk about their passion and basically tell them that, that thing they love, that thing that makes them feel like they have a purpose in this world, that thing that makes them feel special isn’t actually important or worth it just because you simply don’t understand it. The ignorance is infuriating.
My mom always told me as a kid, “we’re not ‘rich’ but we’re rich in love.” I’ve decided to simply start ignoring the people who are too ignorant to understand my passions. I know that if I’m doing what I’m passionate about in my future I may not be rich with a mansion and a boat but I’ll be happy and I’ll find another passionate person to share my life with and in the end all will be well and we’ll be rich in love.